So Happy to End 2016 Bc…

This has been the longest year in my life, no …not literally, but you get it.

So lets see… I had three miscarriages, which no one knows about. (Except Jake, of course). And even though they were not “terrible” I definitely affected myself, my relationship, and Jake. I am just happy to leave these things behind. Soon after my OB told us we could not have children and that we should look into infertility treatments. Seriously? Im not even 25! Boy was I pissed. So anyways, yeah. I am happy to leave that in 2016.

On the up side, I went back to school for Nursing and it is going great. (4.0 great, *wink*). I am looking and applying for some new jobs, related to healthcare and I am excited to be moving forward.

We also bought (another) brand new car. Its a 2016 Chevy Equinox. It is super cute and a good size for us but it isn’t so great on gas.

I unintentionally abandoned this blog b/c I just could not keep up with it. But the good news is that I have an exciting announcement coming January 2017 and the hint is that is involves the future of this blog. Until then, I will be updating everything here and messing around with some designs. I hope to gain back my old followers and also get some new ones before the announcement.

TTYL.

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Not So Happy 2016.

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I’ll start by saying this is a vent post, meaning I am just writing to vent. So there is no story here. Just me venting.

Alright, so everyone knows despite things like graduation and two new cars and a new job and other stuff, 2015 was by far the worst year of my entire life.

Early 2015, I realized it was going to be an extremely bad year and I already made a resolution for 2016 to be my best year. After all, I feel like I deserve. I just experienced some very amazing things but I do not feel I ever got the chance to celebrate any of those things. I didn’t throw a grad party, we didn’t road trip in our new car, etc. Like I feel I am just “going through the motions.” Everything is a count down for me. At work, Im counting down the time until break. Then my lunch time. Then going home. Then I go home and count down hours until Jake comes home. Then go to bed, just to wake up and do the same thing the following day.

Its sucking the life right out of me.

So anyways Jake and I made a ton of plans for this year and so far, nothing is happening. Its just a big anticlimactic day after another.

I mean, obviously we are only two months into 2016 but I just thought I would be having so much more fun by now. I thought we would be putting our plans into action.

I just feel like I am already losing faith in 2016 and it really hasn’t even started yet. And as for my mind, it feels like the picture above. I have like 100,000 thought racing daily and I cannot seem to put them in their proper places. That is also irritating.

I mean, I am working at a job I like – while working towards building the experience that I need for the job I ultimately want to have. I have also spent a great deal of time working on my re-launch for my new blog and business site. However, I am just so impatient and want everything to fall into place, like yesterday.

 

 

Re-Finding My Bliss.

wpid-imag0128.jpg As some may know, I recently lost my mother. And just as expected, it was not then and still isn’t easy. I started going to counseling, where I had two professionals tell me that I was showing early signs of depression.

This was the hardest thing for me. I was overwhelmed with tons of emotions, from fear to embarrassment.

I feared that if I fell into a deep depression, I would not be able to help my siblings and I would began to do bad in school, which would be bad for my senior year. And I don’t know why I felt embarrassed but I didn’t share this with anyone close to me.

Just as expected, my grades started  to slip and I had a hard time doing things that I needed to do.

After getting great news regarding my siblings’ future, I felt a little more confident and I kept pushing so now I feel I have finally beat that.

I can now sleep at night. I can do my homework again, and my grades are better. I can spend time with my friends and not feel guilty. I can practice calligraphy again. I have the desire to paint and I am looking forward to tomorrow.

I write this just to show the progress I have made and how I hope to continue to seek out the bliss I once had.

What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Parent.

So I guess I will talk a little about my dad b/c he has only been mentioned briefly, in an old post.

Long story short, he died when I was seven.

B/c I was so young, I do not remember much about him and I do not feel I was deeply effected by his absence in my life. And I know many people could/would argue that have been effected whether or not I realize it.

Growing up, I do not remember anyone reaching out to me and offering their love/support after his death, and it was okay b/c we (my siblings and I) always had our mother. Not to mention I probably did not realize all that was happening, so I was able to be taken care of by my mother.

Well my mother has been a single parent since she had my older brother at age 15. And she did a wonderful job taking care of my five siblings all our lives.

Well recently, yesterday, she passed away and it is totally different.

I have so much to deal with and so much to worry about for myself. However, I am the least of my worries. I have five siblings who need me right now. My youngest sister is only eight, she literally cannot comprehend what is going on.

It breaks my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I would never wish for anyone to lose a parent or even a close parent figure. I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. I have never felt the need to be stronger.

And I know there are so many people, family, friends, and even my recently acquired sorority sisters who are all asking how they could help. I do not know.

While I understand some people do not know what to say to me, I completely understand what they are going through b/c I cannot even find the words to comfort my siblings.

What am I supposed to say to minors who have lost their only capable parent? What do I say when they say they miss her? What can I even do to take their pain away? I am in the same situation and I cannot even help them in this way.

I sit here and wipe all the tears as I write and it hurts so bad. Physically my throat hurts from crying so much, mentally I do not even know what to say to them so that hurts, emotionally I cannot even imagine how they feel b/c we are six different personalities. I do not know every detail of their relationship with her so I cannot understand.

And it is even different for me b/c I have Jake. Jake is literally the most amazing man I have ever laid eyes on. He has been there since her accident and has not left my side since. He has called off work. He has brought us dinner/lunch/breakfast. He has talked to my siblings and me. He has offered any and every service you can think of. He has wiped tears. He has has stayed up all night just to hug me. It is just so reassuring to know that he feels this way, although we only met this year. I thank God for sending him and his parents for making him. I love him so much and I am so thankful for him.

And even though it hurts me b/c I lost my mom, it hurts me even more b/c they lost her too.

I love them more than anything and I want nothing but the best for each and every one of them.

His First National Ranking!

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This is Michael. My younger brother. He does KARATE and is raising funds to fight in an out of state tournament for his first national ranking.

Help him ; Donate Here.

Some Things You Never Knew About College!

Here, on my other site, I have began a mini college series.

The posts have/will feature some advice, tips, tricks, etc about surviving college. And so far, they have been a huge hit.

Take a look here. 🙂