Our mom’s birthday recently passed and this is how we celebrated. We love and miss her.
This is a short post explaining how I survived my first Mothers’ Day without my mom.
Recap: My mom passed away 156 days ago. Since then my siblings and I have celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve – which is also my sister’s birthday, New Years Day, my little brother’s birthday, my mom’s birthday, Easter Day,and most recently, our first Mothers’ Day without her.
Of all these days, her birthday has been the hardest for me. I literally sat in the counselor’s office, in between classes, just crying for an hour straight. I was so weak then and I thought it could not get any harder than that.
Back then, I could not even imagine myself being where I am now. But with the help of counselors, my siblings, my cousins, my best friends, and Jake, I made it here.
Although this Mothers’ Day was the second hardest day for me, I made it. And trust me, that day, there were times that I really did not believe I would.
1. I read… a lot. My sister sent me an amazing poem for girls like us. This poem made me feel 1000 times better. It helped me realize that I did not miss my mom more that day than I did any other day but it still sucked. And every other holiday will too. This simple concept just comforted me in so many ways. This piece helped me find a series of books by Hope Edelman. These books were exactly what I needed.
Its a compilation of letters to and from motherless daughters, it was so insightful. Her books helped me realize that I am not alone. In fact, one of the very first stories in the book came from a girl who was in her fourth year of college and had lost her mother during break, just as I did.
2. I spent time with my best friend. We hung out for a little while, just having lunch and talking. This helped me get my mind off of things and helped me get out of the house.
3. Once I finally felt like that day was “just another day” I was able to practice some calligraphy/hand lettering. This helped me because I love art and it just makes me feel better to use art as an outlet for bad days.
The piece above was one of four pictures I drew for Mothers’ Day. I especially love this piece because there is one mother bird and four little birdies – representing my sisters and I.
As some may know, I recently lost my mother. And just as expected, it was not then and still isn’t easy. I started going to counseling, where I had two professionals tell me that I was showing early signs of depression.
This was the hardest thing for me. I was overwhelmed with tons of emotions, from fear to embarrassment.
I feared that if I fell into a deep depression, I would not be able to help my siblings and I would began to do bad in school, which would be bad for my senior year. And I don’t know why I felt embarrassed but I didn’t share this with anyone close to me.
Just as expected, my grades started to slip and I had a hard time doing things that I needed to do.
After getting great news regarding my siblings’ future, I felt a little more confident and I kept pushing so now I feel I have finally beat that.
I can now sleep at night. I can do my homework again, and my grades are better. I can spend time with my friends and not feel guilty. I can practice calligraphy again. I have the desire to paint and I am looking forward to tomorrow.
I write this just to show the progress I have made and how I hope to continue to seek out the bliss I once had.
So I guess I will talk a little about my dad b/c he has only been mentioned briefly, in an old post.
Long story short, he died when I was seven.
B/c I was so young, I do not remember much about him and I do not feel I was deeply effected by his absence in my life. And I know many people could/would argue that have been effected whether or not I realize it.
Growing up, I do not remember anyone reaching out to me and offering their love/support after his death, and it was okay b/c we (my siblings and I) always had our mother. Not to mention I probably did not realize all that was happening, so I was able to be taken care of by my mother.
Well my mother has been a single parent since she had my older brother at age 15. And she did a wonderful job taking care of my five siblings all our lives.
Well recently, yesterday, she passed away and it is totally different.
I have so much to deal with and so much to worry about for myself. However, I am the least of my worries. I have five siblings who need me right now. My youngest sister is only eight, she literally cannot comprehend what is going on.
It breaks my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I would never wish for anyone to lose a parent or even a close parent figure. I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. I have never felt the need to be stronger.
And I know there are so many people, family, friends, and even my recently acquired sorority sisters who are all asking how they could help. I do not know.
While I understand some people do not know what to say to me, I completely understand what they are going through b/c I cannot even find the words to comfort my siblings.
What am I supposed to say to minors who have lost their only capable parent? What do I say when they say they miss her? What can I even do to take their pain away? I am in the same situation and I cannot even help them in this way.
I sit here and wipe all the tears as I write and it hurts so bad. Physically my throat hurts from crying so much, mentally I do not even know what to say to them so that hurts, emotionally I cannot even imagine how they feel b/c we are six different personalities. I do not know every detail of their relationship with her so I cannot understand.
And it is even different for me b/c I have Jake. Jake is literally the most amazing man I have ever laid eyes on. He has been there since her accident and has not left my side since. He has called off work. He has brought us dinner/lunch/breakfast. He has talked to my siblings and me. He has offered any and every service you can think of. He has wiped tears. He has has stayed up all night just to hug me. It is just so reassuring to know that he feels this way, although we only met this year. I thank God for sending him and his parents for making him. I love him so much and I am so thankful for him.
And even though it hurts me b/c I lost my mom, it hurts me even more b/c they lost her too.
I love them more than anything and I want nothing but the best for each and every one of them.