So I guess I will talk a little about my dad b/c he has only been mentioned briefly, in an old post.
Long story short, he died when I was seven.
B/c I was so young, I do not remember much about him and I do not feel I was deeply effected by his absence in my life. And I know many people could/would argue that have been effected whether or not I realize it.
Growing up, I do not remember anyone reaching out to me and offering their love/support after his death, and it was okay b/c we (my siblings and I) always had our mother. Not to mention I probably did not realize all that was happening, so I was able to be taken care of by my mother.
Well my mother has been a single parent since she had my older brother at age 15. And she did a wonderful job taking care of my five siblings all our lives.
Well recently, yesterday, she passed away and it is totally different.
I have so much to deal with and so much to worry about for myself. However, I am the least of my worries. I have five siblings who need me right now. My youngest sister is only eight, she literally cannot comprehend what is going on.
It breaks my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I would never wish for anyone to lose a parent or even a close parent figure. I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. I have never felt the need to be stronger.
And I know there are so many people, family, friends, and even my recently acquired sorority sisters who are all asking how they could help. I do not know.
While I understand some people do not know what to say to me, I completely understand what they are going through b/c I cannot even find the words to comfort my siblings.
What am I supposed to say to minors who have lost their only capable parent? What do I say when they say they miss her? What can I even do to take their pain away? I am in the same situation and I cannot even help them in this way.
I sit here and wipe all the tears as I write and it hurts so bad. Physically my throat hurts from crying so much, mentally I do not even know what to say to them so that hurts, emotionally I cannot even imagine how they feel b/c we are six different personalities. I do not know every detail of their relationship with her so I cannot understand.
And it is even different for me b/c I have Jake. Jake is literally the most amazing man I have ever laid eyes on. He has been there since her accident and has not left my side since. He has called off work. He has brought us dinner/lunch/breakfast. He has talked to my siblings and me. He has offered any and every service you can think of. He has wiped tears. He has has stayed up all night just to hug me. It is just so reassuring to know that he feels this way, although we only met this year. I thank God for sending him and his parents for making him. I love him so much and I am so thankful for him.
And even though it hurts me b/c I lost my mom, it hurts me even more b/c they lost her too.
I love them more than anything and I want nothing but the best for each and every one of them.