Off with the Rings.

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*A lovely picture of my ring, from Jake of course.

However, it is pictured in the box – where it will be staying for some time. And I shall explain why.

So as recently mentioned, Jake and I celebrated our two year anniversary as well as Valentines’ Day. I talked about how excited we both were and how awesome things were between us but apparently I spoke too soon.

Since the posts, things have not been so awesome after all.

No, its not that we have been arguing non-stop but rather we have not done anything. We have not talked, have not spent time together, etc. And it is not all our faults, work schedules have a lot to do with that.

That along with a bunch of minor issues, that would normally work themselves out. But since we have not spent a lot of time lately, these little issues are thriving instead of diminishing. And that bothers me.

I have tried to talk to him so many times but I just cannot get through to him and I do not know what else I can do. We do not have time for the conversations and honestly, I do not feel he is being open or making the time to have the conversations we need to be having.

For a long time, I was/am the “mean/bossy/rude” one. And I cannot help that. I have always been this way and he knows that I am taking steps to address that but he does not understand how hard that is for me. In the process, I feel he has tried to become “the victim.” I have been so obsessed with trying to walk on eggshells and be nice to him, so that he does not feel abused or bullied in our relationship but its beginning to stress me out.

There are plenty of times that I just walk away from things, although I am passionate about them and want to talk with him about those things. And while doing that, I am sacrificing and not happy with that.

For a little while I felt like I was approaching the line of being unhappy in this relationship. Which is weird and new for me because I have never felt this way towards Jake or our relationship. And that also bothers me because I would like to discuss this with him, so he knows and we can address it. But again, I have avoided having this talk because I assumed the feelings would pass and that I would hurt his feelings. (And as mentioned earlier, we really have not had the time.)

He really is a great guy but now I just question if he is the great guy…for me, forever.

To be continued…

Not So Happy 2016.

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I’ll start by saying this is a vent post, meaning I am just writing to vent. So there is no story here. Just me venting.

Alright, so everyone knows despite things like graduation and two new cars and a new job and other stuff, 2015 was by far the worst year of my entire life.

Early 2015, I realized it was going to be an extremely bad year and I already made a resolution for 2016 to be my best year. After all, I feel like I deserve. I just experienced some very amazing things but I do not feel I ever got the chance to celebrate any of those things. I didn’t throw a grad party, we didn’t road trip in our new car, etc. Like I feel I am just “going through the motions.” Everything is a count down for me. At work, Im counting down the time until break. Then my lunch time. Then going home. Then I go home and count down hours until Jake comes home. Then go to bed, just to wake up and do the same thing the following day.

Its sucking the life right out of me.

So anyways Jake and I made a ton of plans for this year and so far, nothing is happening. Its just a big anticlimactic day after another.

I mean, obviously we are only two months into 2016 but I just thought I would be having so much more fun by now. I thought we would be putting our plans into action.

I just feel like I am already losing faith in 2016 and it really hasn’t even started yet. And as for my mind, it feels like the picture above. I have like 100,000 thought racing daily and I cannot seem to put them in their proper places. That is also irritating.

I mean, I am working at a job I like – while working towards building the experience that I need for the job I ultimately want to have. I have also spent a great deal of time working on my re-launch for my new blog and business site. However, I am just so impatient and want everything to fall into place, like yesterday.

 

 

Approaching the Second.

 

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The pic is basically self explanatory. However, I’d like to add a little caption. Two years ago today we became Facebook friends, after online chatting for a few days. We basically knew right away that our friendship was going to blossom into something much more.

Now, Jake and I are approaching our second year anniversary and I could not be happier. I love him so much. And I have for a really long time.

Heres a little secret that he does not even know about me: I never believed in “love at first sight” but I always had the feeling that the first person I ever loved would happen in that magical way. As a cruel joke, I always wanted to confess my love for someone, just to see how they would react.

Well about two years ago, Jake did that to me. No, literally.

We began chatting online, through an app. Eventually we decided to hang out and it went really well. That lead to him asking to cook me dinner, and me agreeing.

(He made these awesome burgers… awesome until I noticed a little pink in mine. Lol).

Soon after, we started to hang out and text all day. And then… it happened. Jake sent me the cutest, sweetest, message someone could ever send. He explained how he loved me more than life, and how I was the most beautiful person he’d ever met, and how I was so perfect. He claimed it was “love at first sight.”

Of course I thought it was sweet, but I was very surprised seeing how it had been less than one month since we met. But… for some reason, I could tell how sincere he was and I never looked back.

A few days later, he asked me out… while down on one knee. (Really!) This was Jan. 31, but I declined because, and I quote, “not every month has 31 days. Ask me again tomorrow.”

And so he did. That is when we began dating.🙂,❤.

About three months later, we moved in together and it was like a never ending sleepover with my best friend. It was amazing!

Three months after that, we picked out rings and he later presented that ring to me as a promise ring.

There is apart of me that still cannot believe it has only been two years. I feel like I have known him for a lifetime. I have never been more committed to something or more in love with someone, in my life. (He is my first and only love.)

Then there is the part of me that thinks, “wow, its two years later.”I know couples always say ” we have been through so much together.” And I hate it because I always assume they mean mindless things like: oh this person cheated, I started a new job, etc, etc.

But we really have been though so much together; the loss of various friendships and relationships with people we once trusted, the death of two family members – including a parent, three jobs, one bad car accident and two cars, the births of little nephews, etc. And thats not even the half of it. However, I could not imagine a better person to go through these things with. He always has my back and thats what I appreciate the most.

And two years ago, who would have thought we would be in this place- talking about buying houses, our wedding, and making little babies?

Not I. But I am happy to be here, with him.

Ps… I may or may not have just gave a little hint about our big news. Gotta stay tuned!🙂

 

2015 in review

Here is the summary of my blog for 2015. Its very obvious I did not post very often, and if you follow the blog, I know you understand why.

However, I assure you 2016 will be an exciting year for me and I have tons of very big news coming your way.

Stay tuned.🙂

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 250 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Undergrad to Graduate!

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I was so lucky enough to finish school, after all I had been through this last year, to graduate from college.

This makes me the first in my family to do so. I am extremely proud to be able to say I have accomplished something some people never get the opportunity to do. I believe my final GPA landed between 3.0 and 3.5 or a 4.0 scale,🙂. So that was awesome, although not very high.

I didn’t invite many people and not many people showed up but none of that matter, long as I had all my siblings and my Jake.

I’m so thankful for all the support they have given me over the years and especially through this time. And I am especially thankful for Jake, for all the sacrifices he’s made and all the help he’s given me.

In the pics: Jake, my boyfriend and my best friend. Mimi, my youngest sister. Mr. Albino, my 8th grade teacher.

From a Motherless Daughter on Mothers’ Day.

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This is a short post explaining how I survived my first Mothers’ Day without my mom. 

Recap: My mom passed away 156 days ago. Since then my siblings and I have celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve – which is also my sister’s birthday, New Years Day, my little brother’s birthday, my mom’s birthday, Easter Day,and most recently, our first Mothers’ Day without her. 

Of all these days, her birthday has been the hardest for me. I literally sat in the counselor’s office, in between classes, just crying for an hour straight. I was so weak then and I thought it could not get any harder than that.

Back then, I could not even imagine myself being where I am now. But with the help of  counselors, my siblings, my cousins, my best friends, and Jake, I made it here.

Although this Mothers’ Day was the second hardest day for me, I made it. And trust me, that day, there were times that I really did not believe I would.

1. I read… a lot. My sister sent me an amazing poem for girls like us. This poem made me feel 1000 times better. It helped me realize that I did not miss my mom more that day than I did any other day but it still sucked. And every other holiday will too. This simple concept just comforted me in so many ways. This piece helped me find a series of books by Hope Edelman. These books were exactly what I needed.

Its a compilation of letters to and from motherless daughters, it was so insightful. Her books helped me realize that I am not alone. In fact, one of the very first stories in the book came from a girl who was in her fourth year of college and had lost her mother during break, just as I did.

2. I spent time with my best friend. We hung out for a little while, just having lunch and talking. This helped me get my mind off of things and helped me get out of the house.

3. Once I finally felt like that day was “just another day” I was able to practice some calligraphy/hand lettering. This helped me because I love art and it just makes me feel better to use art as an outlet for bad days.

The piece above was one of four pictures I drew for Mothers’ Day. I especially love this piece because there is one mother bird and four little birdies – representing my sisters and I.